A Trip Down Memory Lane
As this train rolls through cities and little towns in Virginia, I keep find myself wondering about the things I see. Old farmhouses, abandoned homesteads, even abandoned cars in the woods off the side of the tracks. The sights make me curious about what was. Who lived there? How did it come to be that that car, which someone once drove and enjoyed, sits rusting in the woods. What changed to make that home no longer desirable? I can see the beauty that it once possessed as it sits vacant and still.
I have an interesting relationship with the past. Only recently have I started to feel that I have gotten a handle on it. I have always been curious about the way things were – what people experienced, how they felt, how things differed. That curiosity led me on a 15 year journey of interviewing my grandparents. I asked questions and wrote for years and years. 50+ pages. He was a busy man. Mama always enjoyed talking about her childhood, but my Papa didn’t like it at first. It was years before he would wait patiently for me to find a pen it and start recording a story he was telling. That was time well spent. My people will treasure that family record for generations.
Other time in the past was not so well spent. The wondering. I think it may be due to the sudden loss of my father when I was ten. Maybe, maybe not, but at a young age I developed what could be considered an obsession with what was. Memories could be haunting and painful, but they also provided an escape from an often equally painful present. I often found myself longing – for a loving parent, a safe environment, a sense of home….
I remember my sister asking me once when Victoria was young why I was so concerned with what used to be where. She’s always been good at analyzing me and it’s almost never flattering. I had no answer. I am thankful now that she asked that question, as it serves as a testament to the frame of mind I chose at the time.
The time I spent in longing is lost to me. I will not get that time back. It prohibited me from seeing all of the beauty that surrounded me. How I was able, in that state of emotional paralysis, to build a strong and functional family unit is beyond me. In retrospect I see that what I longed for all those years was mine already.
At this point in my life, I see that an examination of the past is a worthwhile endeavor in some instances. When a memory comes to mind, I am choosing to allow it the moment it takes for analysis. Is it a joyous memory? If yes, surround it with light in my mind, give thanks for it. Release it. A painful memory? Allow the anxiety it brings (for the moment) – what did it teach me? Give thanks for it. Release it. I can give them each a moment. But that is all.
I also think that it is worthwhile to look into the past if you are trying to make a decision about who you want to be or what you should do moving forward. Life is full of lessons. We should learn from them. There are times in my life where I was behaving as someone I didn’t want to be. I remember telling John Phillips that once – that I didn’t “like” how I was acting. His answer was simple, “so be different tomorrow.” The actual change wasn’t quite as easy as the words, but they were a good launching pad.
I have spoken to young people often about breaking cycles. Familial cycles in particular, but behavioral cycles fall into this category as well. We often think that we have to do what our parents did, or what we have always done. The fact is that, with conscious thought, ANY pattern can be interrupted.
When I was a teenager, I promised myself that if I ever had children, I would be a much different parent than my mother. I was angry that she didn’t seem to know what to do with me or how to relate on any level. It wasn’t until Victoria was about 3 that I heard myself say something that sounded EXACTLY like Drucilla. I am thankful for that day - I caught myself and it’s a good thing - I was on a very slippery slope.
It took some time examining my childhood to determine what I wanted to keep in terms of parenting and values and what I felt should be discarded. It took even more time putting those decisions into practice. Keep the emphasis on the value of education, drop the emphasis on the value of money, parent through dialogue and understanding, remember the human. Say I love you. Talk A LOT. Tears are valuable. Respect is necessary. So many things came out of that particular time spent with the past.
At this point in my life if feel much more confident and comfortable dealing with the past than I have ever been. I am thankful for that — it’s important to release that which doesn’t serve us.
Except for planning purposes, I stay totally out of the future. Putting yourself there helps no one as it invites anxiety, resentment and disappointment. For me, The present Is the place to be. It can be a challenge to be here, but I’m up for the task.
2.23.2024
